I often hear domestic violence survivors complain that the
counselor they are seeing with their partner has sided with
him/her. These victims expected to seek therapeutic remedy
for the dysfunction that they live, and they discover they
have gained another "enemy."

Here are some things you will want to know if you are going
to a therapist with your partner for domestic abuse.

1) Expect the therapy to be fertile ground for a
continuation of what you experience in the privacy of your
own home.

2) Anticipate that when you return home, the dynamics that
you sought help for have solidified. That's right you heard
me: the abuse dynamic is stronger, bigger...you might even
say, "more in your face."

3) Expect that when push comes to shove, the therapist will
most likely be singing the abuser's song, and you will feel
like you have two enemies.

4) Know AND trust it's not about you. An open ear
gravitates to the louder, more domineering voice. And when
it comes to abusive relationships, we all know which
partner will have the more convincing voice, no matter how
compelling the victim's story.

5) As soon as you are willing to take responsibility for
your error in choosing this type of therapist/therapy,
request termination. You see, you are in the wrong kind of
therapy for domestic violence. Marital and couples therapy
is actually contra-indicated for domestic abuse. It's more
likely to exacerbate intimate partner violence.

6) Find a therapist, who has expertise in domestic violence
intervention, to work with you individually. And encourage
your partner to seek individual therapy if he/she is
willing. If he/she does (which is not likely), request that
your two individual therapists interact from time to time.

There are as many ways to impact change in a dysfunctional
relationship as there are dysfunctional relationships. One
thing is for sure: marital and couples therapy is not
appropriate for domestic abuse.

You see marital therapy is based on a "systems" approach.
And the goal of the system is to maintain its homeostasis
(that is, its balance). To this end, the responsibility for
the dysfunctional dynamics within the system is spread
equally across the system. However, this is what solidifies
the abuse dynamic.

Suffice it to say, marital therapy and couples counseling
is not the right therapy for your problem. The sooner you
find the appropriate type of intervention and the right
therapist for yourself, the sooner you will be on your way
to safety and peace in your life.

Domestic violence survivors often believe they are the only
victims in their divorce proceedings. And this belief adds
to their victimization. While it is true that they are
indeed victimized by the partner they are divorcing, their
partners may be victims of legal counsel.

Some successful, lucrative divorce law practices consist of
clients that are highly motivated to litigate. And an
angry, get even, gain control type of litigant is highly
motivated to do all that can be done to WIN, including
protracted litigation and/or the threat of litigation ad
nauseam.

The Abuser As Divorce Attorney's Victim

So this couple, abuser and his divorce lawyer, are ripe for
another kind of abusive relationship. We see them all the
time. You may not recognize them, because you're focused on
your soon-to-be ex-partner as being an empowered gunman
with a loaded pistol.

You see his* attorney as his loaded gun, and may not
realize that your soon-to-be ex-partner is a victim of the
gun he points at you. The gun is most likely fueling the
already existing venom within the perpetrator, more likely
than encouraging his client to settle with you.

Opposing counsel is supporting the "my way, no way"
mentality of the abuser and my way is often leaving you
homeless, penniless and childless. Let's face it, the
abuser needs to save face, show his rightness and maintain
control at all costs. And counsel will help him do just
that.

So when the abuser loses some steam, his attorney will keep
the fire going by reminding him of how horrible life will
be when you get such and such and he has to pay you
whatever amount. You get the picture?

What Breaks the Cycle of Legal Abuser Victimization?

Now, often this will be done until the abuser has been
turned upside down and every dime has been shaken out of
his pockets. Then, counsel will encourage closure on what
seemed to be endless litigation.

The importance of your seeing this is that once you do, it
will have an empowering effect on you. You will see that
you are entangled in an abuse dynamic that is larger than
you and the abusive partner you long to have out of your
life.

* My reference to the abuser in this scenario as being a
man only reflects the publicized trends and does not mean
to imply that men are not victimized by their female
partners.