It is often all those trivial and inconsequential things
that saving your marriage can be about. Things you don't
really care about very much, but are possibly making your
partner unhappy and fretful. Do they matter that much? The
short answer is `YES!' Little things can prey on your
relationship and destroy it, if you don't make an effort to
do something about them.

It's very much about focusing a lot more on your own
attitude towards your spouse, or partner, so don't get all
smug and self-righteous. When you've been around someone
you've got to know well over time, then complacency can
often set in, usually without any real conscious awareness
of it. So work on being consciously aware and do your best
not to damage what you have through inattentive
carelessness. Eventually paying attention to the small
stuff will become a natural state for you, in the same way
that the skills of driving a car become innate in good
drivers, so they don't have to think about driving their
car consciously.

Let's look at a seemingly small thing that can possibly
slip and spoil to your relationship with each other. Let's
begin with your apprearance. This `appearance' thing
embodies so many areas and can be about what you wear,
freshness and cleanliness, tidiness, even getting dressed
rather than sitting around all day in your dressing gown
perhaps. Even on a lazy relaxing day when you just want to
chill and not be bothered, it may be that your partner
prefers you to get dressed, even if it's just shorts and a
tee shirt.

When you know somebody well, it's easy to become very
casual about your appearance. If you're the man you may
think that not shaving and having stubble is acceptable to
your partner, but ask yourself: "Is this okay with my
spouse?" Better still, ask her! If it alright with her,
then that's okay. If it isn't and she prefers you to either
have a full beard, or a shaved face, then do something
about it and pay heed to your spouse's feelings.

Likewise for the lady… does your partner mind you sitting
around with your hair in curlers for hours on end? Maybe he
does, maybe he doesn't, but try asking him? Asking only
takes a few seconds but knowing he is okay with you, in a
less than presentable state, will at least give you an idea
what to do about it. I should add that `stubble' and
`curlers' are just metaphors for lots of other seemingly
trivial things to do with your appearance, so they just on
a long list of examples!

So, take some care with your appearance - too often married
couples, especially as they mature in their relationship,
stop feeling the need to look good for their partner. Don't
be self-conscious, but do not take an uninterested attitude
towards your appearance. And remember, if you don't care
what you look like, your partner may find it difficult to
care about it as well.

There will always be other 'attitudes' to be conscious of
as well. Why not try being more romantic. Try being more
demonstrative, in showing affection or appreciation, and
take more care to be gentle and playful. If you behave in a
more loving way and show you really do care then it may
turn a tide for you. Add to your list, 'I must be more
caring'. If you're already doing that then put your
thinking cap on and try to find out what the things are
that are souring your marriage, or partnership.

Saving your marriage seems to be on your mind right now. So
heed the words, make a list of things you feel you should
take more care with and do something about them, as soon as
you can.

Any marriage can end up as a troubled marriage if we don't
pay attention to some of the small details, and perhaps do
something that is unexpected, or just different, on
occasions. Here are a couple of ideas to consider.

Try being corny sometimes. It sounds like a cliche but
doing something corny, like giving flowers, chocolate,
after shave, or any other presents on Valentine's Day, or
even at other times, really can be so romantic. Arrange a
candlelit dinner for the two of you, and play some sensual
music when you're feeling romantic. You should remember
that there is a reason some of these ideas are corny – it's
simply because they actually work! They help create that
romantic atmosphere which can keep the spark alive for you
both. So go ahead occasionally and be corny.

Try being unpredictable now and again, and do something
which is unexpected, that will help your spouse, or
partner, see that you care. As an example, if you have a
favorite take-away restaurant, then stop by on the way home
from work and give him, or her, a surprise and a night off
from cooking your meal. It sounds small but it counts
towards you showing that you consider your partner and want
to do something for both of you.

Another example; try doing an annoying chore that your
partner hates doing. With my wife it's ironing. I know that
she does the ironing so much better than me, if the truth
is known, but that's not the issue. I thought about it and
realized that she'd done enough ironing to take a break
from it for a few years! So I do it all now and I know she
appreciates it. Mind you I did spend a small fortune on
buying a new `super-duper' iron that gives off more steam
than an old-fashioned steam locomotive. I have to make up
for my shortcomings in ironing by using technology!

Seriously, think about a chore your spouse doesn't like
doing and take it over, even if it's only on occasions. In
my case I decided to take over responsibility for doing the
ironing, for the rest of our lives together. I know it
sounds stupid, but it really is worth it to me in the
'brownie points I get. My view was that if it makes my wife
feel more 'cared for' then the two or three hours I spent
on the task was well spent and worth the investment of my
time in it.

The fact is that anyone can end up in a troubled marriage
if we don't think things through and try and be more
thoughtful. Sometimes, doing those unpredictable things,
even the `corny' ones, can pay real dividends. Why not go
and write down a shortlist of items you could consider
doing to help your spouse, or partner, and then do them for
him, or her? Or you could share them between you perhaps,
if you don't feel you could take them over permanently. For
some people being romantic comes easy, for others it is
less so. But try and work on ideas that can help to cement
your relationship, and friendship - even if they seem to be
a bit corny to you. They may not be 'worn-out' to your
spouse, or partner, so just go ahead and be corny from time
to time.

Are you getting upset with your spouse or partner and want
to know how to improve relationships with them?

How many times have we been unhappy, and not expressed
ourselves in a way that communicates our feelings to the
other person, so they understand how we feel? Being honest
with ourselves we recognize that it happens more than we
want it to happen.

Does it have to be that way. Good advice is plentiful. What
we have to do is make ourselves aware that improving
relationships is simply a case of finding solutions to
problems, so finding solutions are really worth looking
for. In fact it is often vital to our happiness to seek out
solutions, if we are to improve relationships with people
we both love and respect.

Can professionals help us? Yes, sometimes they can. In
seeking their advice we too often think that they have
some, or all of the answers. But too often the advice we
receive focuses on what is wrong rather than what is right
in the relationship.

So, the question is: how can we improve relationships and
at what cost? We need to remember that there are other
downsides to seeking counseling?

Cost is often a major downside. Professionals rarely come
cheap. The meter is running and costing us, potentially, a
lot of money as soon as we enter the room! So, whilst
their advice may be sound, the meter ticks beyond our
personal financial budget. Which means we are then
reluctant to seek out relationship advice because we worry
about the financial cost.

if we look there are cheaper and more readily accessible
ways. Today we can gain the information we need, often at
the press of a button. The Internet revolution can be the
key to getting rock-solid advice quickly, but without
having to spend loads of money.

The key to improving relationships can be bring us less
stress and anxiety if we seek out the right information. We
just need to know how to search for the "gold nuggets" that
can help us. Relationship break up is avoidable if we know
where to look and then follow the advice we are given.

Being more romantic with our spouse or partner can be a
simple solution, if we know how. Romance is not very easy
when we've been having a tough time and reigniting that
'spark' can be difficult.

Questions about money related matters often affect our
relationships, especially in times of recession; sometimes
our jobs or careers can be the cause of friction and cause
problems. Working long hours and arriving back late is, too
often, cause for friction.

Is it our sex life that's causing problems? How bad it is
can be improved, if we seek good advice! Wouldn't it be
good if our sex life could still be the way it used to be
in those early days - when we couldn't wait to spend more
time with each other! There are ways of improving
relationships through focusing on improving our sex
lives... and this can often be the key to staying together
and banishing the stresses of relationship breakdown.

We really can be happy and live stress-free if we can learn
some of the secrets of those who live happy and fulfilled
lives. In a lot of cases finding good advice, just by
reading books written by people with the "inner knowledge",
is the route to learning how we can resolve our
relationship troubles.

There are ways we can improve relationships with those who
are close to us, if only we take just a little time to seek
out advice from those who can help.

Many unhappy marriages can be put back on track, but you
have to be honest with yourself. Answer this question: do
you take your fair share of responsibility in your marriage
(or partnership) , and do you always do your best to avoid
arguments? The honest answer, for many of us, is probably
no. If you answered yes, you are probably deluding
yourself! An unhappy marriage, or partnership, is often the
outcome of such delusion.

But, if we can stop playing the 'blame' game, and do
something about controlling the arguments we get ourselves
into, it can result in positive change. When it comes to
making improvements in your personal relationship you know
there are no 'magic-bullets that can come up with 'magical
answers'; it takes an open mind - and some action - to help
bring back the happiness to your relationship.

To start you moving in the right direction there are two
things that should help you focus your mind on making the
improvements you seek. These are:

1 - Taking responsibility for your own actions, and, 2 -
How to deal with arguments, and how to use them as an
opportunity for positive change. Start the process by
being frank and honest about your own attitudes to both of
these issues and you will find some practical ways that
should help you get your relationship running smoothly
again.

So, let's start with what your attitude should be towards
taking some responsibility in your marriage or partnership.
Too often we transfer all of the blame for our unhappiness
onto our partner. It is quite possible that what may be
going wrong in your relationship is totally their fault.
But why not turn this thought around. Consider that you
could be part of the problem too. Take some responsibility
and acknowledge the fact that, if things aren't totally
rosy for you, it is as much your 'problem' as it is theirs.

You will start to to move forward, and not backward or
sideways, by taking responsibility! Don't put all the onus
of responsibility onto your partner. Be positive, and try
to be fair. Whatever you do, don't shirk your
responsibilities and take time to think your situation
through properly. Take some time to analyze what it is you
are doing (or not doing!) that might be causing the
problem. Try to be honest with yourself and you may put
your finger on the problems that are the most serious for
you, and then you will be able to do something about them.

Think of it this way. How many times, when something goes
wrong, do you say: "Well, that's not my problem, it's the
responsibility of...". Of course you may be right and it
really isn't your fault that things are the way they are
currently. But, ask yourself, "If I carry on blaming
him/her and making him/her take all the responsibility?
"will that help me to move in the direction of 'solving' the problem?"

The answer is almost certainly... probably not! So, don't
push all the 'responsibility' onto your spouse or partner.
You have to show him, or her, that you're prepared to take
your fair share of the blame for things not being as you
want them to be.

Stephen Covey, in his book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective
Families, says that responsibility is simply the " ability
to choose our response. Remember, we do not have to respond
to stimuli and triggers the same way we have always done in
the past. We do have a choice. It may involve us practicing
a real commitment on our part to letting go of 'old
patterns of behavior'. So, try something new. Relationships
are often much better served if the end result is not to be
an argument.

At this point, rather than cover the second major issue
that causes serious problems in most relationships - the
dreaded argument - I will be covering this in my next
article. There are some very effective 'tools' to stop the
arguments from getting out of hand, so you don't end up
getting uptight and angry.

For now I will leave you to give serious thought to working
on taking your share of the responsibility in your
relationship, so you don't have to endure an unhappy
marriage for much longer! The ball is now in your court...
so be positive and try not to be stubborn! Until next time
take Steven Covey's advice and choose your responses
carefully when communicating with your spouse, or partner.
All it takes is a little practice to change those old
habits that probably aren't doing either of you any good!
Until next time... bye for now!