Age at Death

Death is a different experience at different times in life,
it is very different to die at two years old than it is at
12, 22, 42, 62 or 82. An infant or mentally disabled person
has a very dim light, very little self-awareness. Knowledge
of or emotional attachment to their lives is minimal or
non-existent.

A pre-school child imagines death primarily as a separation
from her parents. She fears losing them, and she fears
going to a hospital. These fears are more real than the
fear of death. With some explanation, she may come to think
of death as being like a long sleep or going to see God –
whom– she imagines as an extension of her parents, an
authority figure.

Between the ages of six and twelve, death is still a
fantasy, distant and unreal. If a child this age has been
told he will die, he may misbehave or complain of every
little ache and pain to get attention and the reassurance
that he is loved and won't be abandoned. The child has
become involved with people outside the family, but hasn't
much concept of the future. Death may be seen as an
interruption of achievements – "But I've just learned to
ride my bike!" – or a disruption of friendships.

These children should continue with normal activities like
school, sports and hobbies, and with friendships as long as
possible. Those are the important aspects of life for this
age group.

In adolescence, there's a growing sense of identity and the
uniqueness of "me" as an individual. A teenager who is
dying may feel that knowing she is valuable has a special
identity and worth, is the most important feeling to
embrace.

Adolescents still don't have a sense of what it means to
live for a long time, even though they're beginning to plan
for the future. That's why young people make the best
soldiers: they're strong, daring, willing to risk their
lives for glory and adventure and recognition.

This is the time of life when a peer group is important.
Adolescents care about what their friends think of them.
Physical image is also important, and the bodily changes
that result from illness may be especially difficult at
this age.

The adolescent facing death should stay in touch with
friends as much as possible. Acceptance and love from his
peers and social status may be more important to him than
his parents. The adolescent's tendency to veer wildly from
mature self-sufficiency to childlike vulnerability will be
more extreme when compounded by the stress of serious
illness.

One young man, seventeen years old, was on his school's
football team when he found out that he had leukemia. He
practiced with the team as long as possible, played in the
first game of the season, and died before the season ended.
As he adjusted to the idea of his death, his biggest
concern was what his friends thought of him. He worried
about letting the team down. The entire football team,
including the coach and cheerleaders, visited him in the
hospital. They reassured him that he was important to them.
He died feeling validated in the way that mattered most to
him.

In early adulthood, news of fatal illness is understandably
met with outrage and fury. "It isn't fair," "I'm just
getting started in life," "Not me ... not now." The light
of self-awareness is getting brighter, only to be snuffed
out prematurely. There is so much to do and not enough
time. Relationships may be fewer than in adolescence, but
they are often better in quality and are more important.
Family and a few special friends are the main sources of
psychological support.

An adult under forty will greet death with severe feelings
of disappointment, anger, and frustration. It's unfair.
There is unfinished business at this stage of life, we
prove our worth by doing – being involved in politics or
community groups, working, having children, going to P.T.A
or Little League meetings, traveling, learning, and
achieving in our work.

Young adults must shorten goals and expectations for their
life. They will have to settle for another birthday, as
Edna did, or one more holiday spent with the family. The
final time can be lived to the fullest, but the future is
only tomorrow.

After forty, news of impending death may be somewhat more
acceptable. Middle age, roughly forty to sixty-five years,
is the time of life to enjoy the benefits of the work of
the previous years. Sometime during their forties, many
people experience another identity crisis similar to that
of adolescence, as they face changes in physical
appearance, a decline in stamina, status, and possibly
reduced sexual interest. Sometimes it is an opportunity to
turn inward and to evaluate life's goals and work, to
consider the quality of life instead of its quantity. Time
perspective also changes, and people begin to think about
the number of years they have left, instead of the number
of years since their birth.

It is during the middle years that most people bury their
parents and become the "older" generation in their
families. Companionship becomes more important in
relationships than sex, and new depth of sharing and
understanding in marriage may result. Adjustment in the
middle years may involve learning to shift from
physically-based values to wisdom-based values, and finding
new and creative solutions to current and future problems.

It is also the time when the nest empties. Children leave
home and parents can live without the demands and pressures
of raising them. In these years, there's a high incidence
of divorce, but the marriages that make it through become
better than ever. Men generally become more gentle and
sensitive, and women become more assertive.

Many of life's tasks have been completed, yet these years
are still active and productive, responsibilities are
on-going, caring for aging parents, welcoming
grandchildren. Death means that careers will be interrupted
and loving relationships with spouses, children,
grandchildren, and friends will be cut short. Death denies
people of this age a chance to harvest the fruits of their
labors: to develop leisure interests, to travel, to enjoy
retirement and grandchildren and family. Death now ends
life before it is finished, like a thief. Some of us are
able to regard death during the middle years from a more
philosophical position, thinking of the meaning of life and
death, evaluating whether our life has had value to
ourselves and others.

In advanced adulthood, we become aware that death is
closer. In the sixties, we re-evaluate setting new goals
and ways to use time. We may believe that living past
sixty-five years is a bonus. Only a few decades ago, the
average life span was much shorter: fifty-two for women and
forty-eight for men. Now women live to seventy-two years,
and men to sixty-eight years on the average. Many people
live past the end of their work life.

In old age, one reviews one's life and may feel satisfied
that it has been worthwhile or may try to repair former
failures.

Death now is less feared, sometimes even anticipated with
interest. In the case of those with poor health or a
chronic illness, death may be strongly welcomed. If life
has been a disappointment, then death will be less
acceptable until some of the problems of one's life have
been resolved.

On the other hand, old age and retirement can be the most
delightful time of life, full of peace, happiness, and
contentment. In such cases, though one may hate to go,
death is more readily accepted as a natural part of the
life cycle. Most elderly people who truly fear death have
not yet made peace with themselves. When a life has been
fulfilling and has had an impact on others, the light of
this life can reach its peak of brightness, then flicker
and, like a shooting star, streak across the sky in a final
blaze of glory.

Other Fears: How You Die

For many, the fear of death is primarily about how you will
die. Worries about physical deterioration and appearance,
pain, panic, and dying alone or in an institution can
preoccupy your thoughts and delay coming to terms with
death.

Specific personal fears will be of great concern during the
time when you are told the nature and extent of your
illness. In the beginning, when you first acknowledged
symptoms such as a tumor, pain, or unusual bleeding, you
most likely also experienced a psychological fear about the
nature and extent of the physical problem. Maybe all the
facts were unknown and unconfirmed at that point in time.
When you were told the results and probable outcome of your
disease after diagnostic tests or surgery, you may have
felt relief at knowing the truth. Yet feelings of numbness,
shock, disbelief, great anguish, and fear might also be
present at the moment of truth.

In old age death may be a welcomed friend, peace at last,
the eternal dreamless sleep. Release from physical pain and
lonliness. It is easier to leave if you believe you have
lived a full and happy life.

About the Author:

This article was written by Nancy O'Connor, Ph.D.She worked
as a Psychotherapist for 23 years and was the Director of
the Grief and Loss Center in Tucson, Arizona for 12 years .
She is the author of the best selling book Letting Go With
Love: The Grieving Process and How to Grow Up When You're
grown Up: Achieving Balance in Adulthood. How To Talk To
Your Doctor. Her books may be reviewed and purchased at
http://www.lamariposapress.com