Divorce recovery takes time. This is a fact of divorce. The
real question is, "How long must I endure the upset and
pain of adjusting to my divorce?" While specific time
predictions are not possible, we can make choices that
reduce recovery time from several years to a few months.

1. What Do We Mean by "Recovery?"

Successful recovery from divorce can mean different things
to different people. By "recovery," I mean that we are no
longer haunted by painful memories of the relationship. We
can talk about our ex and talk to our ex without negative
emotions. We can wish our ex the best in their new life.
And we can go for days with even thinking of our ex. In
other words, we feel content with our current life and
excited about our future without our ex being an integral
part of it.

2. Slaying the Myth that Time Heals Everything

Accepted wisdom tells us that "time heals everything." Tell
that to my former sister-in-law. I met Faye before I met
her sister, Anne, who I eventually married. At this time
Faye had been divorced five years and every reference she
made to her ex was critical and painful. Sixteen years
later Faye died of cancer and to her dying day, her
references to her ex remained critical and painful.
Twenty-one years should have been enough time to heal her
divorce wounds IF "time heals everything" were true. It
isn't. Time, by itself, heals nothing.

What IS important is what we DO during that time.What are
our choices for "what to do?"

3. What Can We DO to Recover from Divorce?

Our two main choices are: 1 - DO NOTHING and let "Time and
Sympathy" cure our pain and, 2 - Use a "TARGETED PROGRAM"
specifically designed to change the attitudes and behaviors
that keep us stuck in our post-divorce pain and dysfunction.

I do not address generalized therapy because of the
nebulous nature of the process. Some, if not most, talk
therapies, both individual and group, provide little more
than a safe place to vent feelings and perhaps receive
"advice." Other therapies, like the divorce-specific
behavior therapy program of Wanderer and Cabot, provide the
client with a specific, behavior-focused program
specifically designed to deal with the unique issues of
divorce recovery. The first kind I lump in with the "Time
and Sympathy" strategies. The second I include in the
"Targeted Program" strategies.

4. Recovery Time Using "Time and Sympathy" Strategies -
About 3 Years

If you do nothing, that is, if you use the "Time and
Sympathy" strategies, it will take years for you to
recover. Just how many years is unclear. Reports vary. Some
say 1 year, others say 2 years. Some predict 1 year of
recovery for each year of marriage, while others say 1 year
of recovery for every 2 years of marriage.

Two major research projects generally confirm these
estimates. Hetherington' s study puts this time frame at 2
to 6 years. Wallerstein and Kelly found that the average
time after a divorce for women to reestablish "inner
equilibrium, " "external stability," and "a sense of
continuity in their lives" was 3 to 3½ years.

Any way you cut it, if you depend on "Time and Sympathy" to
provide your recovery from divorce, you are looking at a
long time.

Is there a better way? Can you recover from divorce sooner?
Answer: Yes!

5. Recovery Time Using "Targeted Program" Strategies -
About 3 Months

Targeted Programs" are behavior-focused and
attitude-focused, structured programs that walk the
divorced client through the unique issues and challenges of
the divorce-recovery process. Two examples include the
Divorce Recovery Behavior Therapy Program (Wanderer and
Cabot) and my Smooth Divorce Recovery Coaching Program (JW
Young). Even though the programs come from related, but
different, theoretical approaches (behavior therapy versus
transition management and dissolving resistance to change)
their results are quite similar. Both programs estimate it
takes approximately 3 MONTHS (not years) to recover from
divorce.

In my divorce-recovery coaching experience, the shortest
recovery time was 6 weeks for a person who had had two
previous "let's get divorced" decisions followed by
reconciliation. The longest was 5 months for someone who
was stuck in the past and dealing with gut level anger at
being betrayed. The typical client took 3 months of weekly,
2-hour sessions, to walk through the program, during which
they dropped their fantasies of revenge, saw clear hope for
the future, and were able to wish their ex well.

About the Author:

For a summary of a targeted divorce-recovery coaching
program that dramatically speeds up your return to a
"normal" life, please visit
http://smoothdivorcerecovery.com/details/methodology.htm To
get a free assessment of your Divorce Recovery Stress
Level, please visit
http://www.smoothdivorcerecovery.com/stress/index.htm
My name is Jerald Young. I am a divorce recovery coach and
I wish you well in making a smooth recovery from divorce.