When life presents many challenges the desire to control
can seem natural. There is the illusion that if we control
events, ourselves and others, we will be safe, successful
and secure. Unfortunately, the opposite is true. The
tighter we grip, hold on and manipulate, the more out of
control we become.

Especially in relationships, where people feel vulnerable,
where emotions are high and a great deal is at stake, the
wish to control arises. At first this may appear as
possessiveness, wanting to know all about what the partner
is doing, dictating what he/she can or cannot do.
Possessive often intensifies. Power struggles erupt. There
is the sense that the person belongs to you and you have
the right to direct their choices and the way their life
goes.

Both the person dominating and the one being dominated lose
freedom and well-being. Although the dominant one may say
they are doing it out of love, for the good of the partner,
the bottom line is that there is fear and anger here,
manifesting as the desire to control. Love always honors
and respects another, it gives a person space to be who
they are, to make their own changes and discoveries. It
does not seek to take over another's life, but to enhance
it.

However, some very much enjoy being controlled. They feel
that if their partners are possessiveness and controlling,
it means that they care. This is a dangerous confusion.
When one individual controls another, it is always to make
themselves feel safe and secure.

The Dynamics Of Control

The more out of control one really is, the more the desire
to control arises. Being able to control another person or
situation can provide a feeling of power, strength,
authority, or the sense that one's world will stay stable
and secure. However, the more we control, the more of our
own energy we have to use to keep this vigil up.

Control and domination can become an addiction. There is a
rush that goes with control, the person feels powerful, as
though they are strong and on top of the world and often
the one being controlled may also feel a rush of safety and
security, as though they matter a great deal to someone.
Sooner or later all of this has to collapse.

Fear Of Domination

Another strong source of the desire to control others is
fear of domination. We do not want to be controlled.
Although many long for approval and acceptance, they also
fear being dictated to. The way this conflict is handled is
by dominating others. They feel that if they are doing the
controlling, no one can lasso them in. In fact, they are
lassoing themselves, tying themselves to the one they so
need to control. Many will do almost anything to feel
secure. Much anxiety can be traced to not having a true
sense of stability within ourselves. This happens when we
do not live from our core. The need to control arises from
this. It is vitally necessary to contact our true the true
source of security within that which provides stability, no
matter what is going on.

Exercise:

Who Are You Controlling?

Make a list of everyone you are controlling - or want to
control. Include yourself in this list. Write down the ways
in which you control and dominate yourself.

Stop Controlling Them

Take one person on the list and just let them No matter how
much you've tried to control them, have you succeeded?
Write down what the result has been. How has it made you
feel? Whatprice have you paid for this?

Imagine that you simply allow them to be exactly as they
are. How does this make you feel now? What happens to your
relationship? What happens to your own energy and sense of
well-being?

Granting Freedom To Yourself As Well

Now do this exercise with yourself.Allow yourself to be
exactly as you are. Stop fighting, pushing, and punishing
yourself for ways in which you function. Take the noose
off your own neck. How do you feel? What new ways of
being may be open to you now? What has your endless desire
to control yourself stopped from happening?

Realizing Who Is In Control

Different people will come to different conclusions about
this part of the exercise. That's fine. The purpose of the
exercise is to grapple with this question. Spend time with
it. Dwell upon the question ' who is really in control of
your life and the life of others? Let the answer reveal
itself. Who is really in control of this world? Think
about that. After you've done all you can, who is in
control of what happens to you? What good does it do you to
fight life? Is there another way to respond?

About the Author:

Watch upset and tension melt away on The Anger Diet (30
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